Childhood and Food
But my story began early in my childhood. I would be not complete without mentioning my childhood and family I was growing up in. The Eating Disorder itself was just a symptom of what was going on inside and first symptoms started to appear already in my teenage.
As I mentioned before, there was no relationship between me and my dad. He was not able to give it to me or to anyone. He was busy with his alcohol addiction, his issues and dysfunctional relationship with my mom. His big value was providing materially for his family. In this way, he showed his love and care. Food and shelter were the biggest value or expression of love and care for him.
From time to time, as a little girl, I was able to make him notice me and got his attention and approval. The thing that worked the best was when I ate all the food on my plate. I was a good girl and he praised me that I ate everything and properly. So I was a good little girl and loved to eat and please my dad by that. The food was a way to get my dad’s love, acceptance, and approval.
Also, as for my dad, food and shelter, being taken care materially, having enough clothes and food were very valuable things. And also the solutions to almost all problems.
When I was little, I used to suffer from fainting spells sometimes as I was too sensitive to other people’s energy. One of the things was, that people used to stare at me, as I had a red hair and they judged me badly. I felt that, was scared and got sick and blacked out often. I knew what was happening, but I did not know how to explain it verbally. So for my parents, that was a physical problem. They took me to doctors and they could not find anything wrong with me. But my dad’s reaction was that he blamed me that I am not eating properly. So the solution, again, was the food and eating properly. I was very confused as I knew what the problem was, but I did not understand it. I felt guilty that it’s my fault. I was scared as I did not know how to control it, so I was eating properly. The food was a solution to all problems and mixed with a guilt.
On the pictures below is me and my dad posing for family photos. This was one of the very rare times when my dad would hug or touch me. It felt special to me and I was very happy and proud in the pictures even I knew it is just for the pics as a show time. I took advantages of it as you could see from my face!
Stress during meal times
Also, we used to eat together as a family very often and always on Sundays. This was very stressful time for me as there was a negative energy and fear while we were eating. There was always a tension between my dad and mom. My dad could be in a good mood one minute, laughing, joking and suddenly, without any warning, his mood would change and he would get upset and angry at something what we kids were doing or what my mom said or did. So we used to eat often in a very bad and tense energy, shouting or in a heavy silence.
Food as a power and control
My dad was a great cook and enjoyed cooking and serving meals for us. It was his way of showing he cares. In my teenage, I started to separate myself and hated when he was serving me food as he was giving me huge portions. And I did not want to get fat as I already noticed I wanted to be skinnier. I started to avoid eating times and wanted to eat alone in my room. There were lots of fights and drama about it, but I won. I did not want to eat in such a stress and with my dad. I was avoiding him as much as I could. When he entered the room, I left. I started to play a game of rejecting him. So I was rejecting, controlling and manipulating food. I did not want it from him. That was my revenge. He did not like it and it drove him crazy as he could not offer me “love” anymore and control me too. At that time, I did not see his cooking, taking care of us materially, serving food as a sign of affection and care. For me, it was his way of controlling me and making me fat and ruining my life. And then, my first diets started and I stopped eating “properly”. At first, my dad was worried and angry about it, but later on, he let me alone as he could not control me anymore. I was a big angry rebel in my teenage. I was finally stronger than him. Then, I could be the bully if I wanted to.
My parent’s dysfunctional relationship and its effect on me
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My dad had a drinking and anger problem. My mom had a victim and martyr mentality. Their constant fights and drama, my dad’s treating her very badly, my mom’s crying and depression and her escape in religion and powerlessness to change her situation left imprints on my heart causing me to feel no value, not deserving love and with a deep feeling of inferiority!
I subconsciously identified with my mom as a woman as we had very similar and almost soul mate energy. We were close, but only mentally and spiritually. I could have a long philosophical and spiritual discussions with her. Usually, me complaining about life and God. Otherwise, she didn’t know how to connect with me emotionally either or to show me affection. I identified with her also because she was the “good one” and my dad was the “bad one” in my perception that time. I was horrified of men as my dad modeled me that a man is an abuser and a bully. I did not believe in love. I rejected to be like my parents, like my mom and rejected to have a relationship like they had.
Adding to this, living in a dysfunctional society that conditions us to compare, fit in and feel inferior to others and not good enough, I was convinced that I can’t measure up to the society standards! I wanted to fix it by being a model like pretty! I thought if I am pretty enough, I will be loved and have value.
I was very aware that is is typical society conditioning especially for women. I found it extremely unfair and cruel to live in a society like this. But the awareness did not help me. On a contrary, I felt even worse because I could not change the world.
Being a witness of my parent’s relationship make me feel hopeless and not believe in love. I projected my parent’s relationship to me on Universe/God/Life. God was a cruel bully to me. And I was a poor, angry, but powerless victim. Observing my mom and her role as a woman and wife, being bullied, overpowered, verbally abused made me feel hopeless too. She was my role model of a woman, wife, and mom. For me that was not acceptable to be dominated by a man, so at first, I decided I will never ever marry and have children because at that time I did not know that I can create different relationships. I never even saw anyone to have a good relationship.
My first awakening or reconnecting with my soul
But the idea of being never loved and being alone for the rest of my life was so painful that I wanted to die! I was in a deep social phobia and depression. I hated myself very intensively that time. I hated the way I looked. I could spend hours in front of the mirror, trying to do my hair and make myself prettier and fix my face. But I almost always ended up in a strong rage and became self-aggressive as I felt I am very ugly. I became obsessed with trying to fix my look and was addicted to mirrors. I had to look in the mirror very often just to check if I look OK. Without checking, I would go very anxious and unsure if I look still OK. I hated also my personality. I was very shy and with developed social phobia already that time, I could not even look into people’s eyes and talk to them. I was blushing whenever people were even looking at me and I was not able to express myself verbally. I experienced toxic shame by feeling so worthless and ugly. I spent most of the time locked in my room, reading detective stories to escape reality and fantasizing about a different life.
After almost committing a suicide, I had my first spiritual awakening and reconnecting with my soul and I saw for the first time that what I hated about myself that much, it’s not me. It became clear to me that all the traits I hated about myself are only various defense and protective mechanisms, wounds, and coping strategies I had to develop to survive. That my real personality is underneath and is amazing like I always felt secretly deep inside my soul. I started to see that I am not that ugly and look relatively nice. I clearly saw also that I don’t need to live like my parents and everyone else. My perception shifted and I could see beyond my “family conditioning box”. I saw clearly that I can create my own life the way I want it! So I decided to live! I decided to believe in love and in that Life Is loving and supporting me. It felt like I shed some old dark layer of me, like a skafander (protective space suit) and could finally see and breathe and be me.
It gave me hope and a new zest for life! I saw my unlimited opportunities. I felt unstoppable! I started my personal and spiritual growth journey. I read all the self-help and healing books I could find. It felt like my chains were broken and I was set free and could run.
"I thought If I will be pretty enough, I would be loved and have value!"
But I thought I have no other option if I want to live and be happy, then to “play by the rules of the world”!
And the “world ” was saying: “You only have value if someone – a man – loves you! In order to make a man love you for the rest of your life (to make sure you have a value for life), make him marry you! The way you do it is by being the way a man want you to be – beautiful, sexy, hot, extremely attractive, model like skinny like the women in magazines and TV!
I witnessed everywhere only unhappy relationships and marriages, where I saw how men settled and married a nice woman, but were fantasizing, adoring and desiring other women. They treated their wives as inferior but married them anyway as they were also victims of the society conditioning to feel not good enough to actually have beautiful women. Or they cheated on each other.
I decided this is never ever going to happen to me! So I started to be obsessed with making myself prettier and skinny enough! I thought if I will be beautiful like a model, I will ensure that men would see me as a high value and I will never experience humiliation like the other wives.
I decided I am going to live completely differently than others! I decided I am going to have the best relationship that is possible on this planet!
I started to read every book about how to make a relationship healthy, amazing and fulfilling! I started to learn and practice how to communicate effectively, how to create intimacy and the kind of love and mutual respect that make relationship epic!
As you could see, even I peeled off one layer of conditioning, I was still deeply in it, as I thought I can create “my value” by external things like having relationships and look like I SHOULD look like in order to be loved! By learning how to create quality relationships my life changed immensely to better! I had my first successes of great relationships and friendships. I experienced amazing happiness and fulfillment by that! But I was still deep in a belief that I only have value if I am pretty enough and have a man to love and marry me! And I did not feel pretty enough! I wanted to look like a hot chick type of the girl and instead, no matter I would do, I looked like a fairy or a princess type.
I started to exercise, but it didn’t help. So I focused on limiting my food and have discovered that it worked!
Since then, my mission to lose weight began. From my twenties, I was always on a strict diet and always lost weight. However, I was never able to lose all the weight I wanted and to achieve my goal. When I was so close to my dream weight, I broke the diet. My willpower ended. I failed and ended up in binge eating and overeating cycle. I was either losing weight or gaining weight. There was nothing in between! I never had stable weight since. My eating started to be more and more out of control and I was trying to compensate by laxatives, sometimes purging, and always by dieting and eating less. Everything started to be about food, eating, not eating and wanting desperately to be skinny. I was weighing myself every day. I felt good when losing weight and felt bad when gaining! At that time, I was not considering my problem to be an eating disorder. For me, it was about me having a weak self-discipline, weak willpower and solution was to work even harder. For me, it was about me being a failure in achieving my goal – to lose weight and be skinny.
I was either losing weight or gaining weight. Dieting or binging. There was nothing in between...
One time I was eating only a small meal on a small plate once a day for 3 months. I was becoming slimmer and slimmer. I was so happy and proud of myself. I had only 3 more kgs to lose. It was almost achieved! And then – bang! I failed! After 3 months of food deprivation, I had a small bite from a cake. That triggered for me a huge binge eating. I literally could not stop eating. It was out of my control. I was scared. That time I knew I had a problem, an eating disorder. It was not just lack of self-control and discipline.
That night, I could not do it anymore and had a meltdown. I cried and could not stop crying, so much pain had to be felt and released. I was praying and asking God why?
I received a very clear message from my soul that one day I will recover and will teach it to others. It brought me deep inner peace in the midst of chaos and hope!
Each year I was hoping this is going to be the year when I recover. I was determined to find the solution no matter what. I was studying myself and every aspect and angle of eating disorder, read every book on the topic, tried to implement every advice, technique or process. Nothing changed.
On the beginning of the each year I was always so hopeful and excited. I believed I would recover that year and lose weight for good!
On the end of the each year I was deeply depressed, in despair and suicidal as a recovery and weight loss did not happen again.
Over the years, my eating disorder and desire to be skinny became less extreme, but my loyal companion.
My Dieting, Fasting, Cleansing, Detoxing, Starving and Deprivation Days!
My Binging, Overeating, Emotional Eating, Bulimia, Food Addiction Days!
My cycle of dieting and binging
My binge and overeating days when I allowed myself to cook and bake and put on weight!;-)
Felling sad and like trapped inside my body but carrying on life and hope!
Wearing always dresses over trousers so I could cover my weight gain!
Dieting hard in my twenties so I could be slim and pose for my boyfriend's photoshoot
Dieting phase, feeling in control and that I am managing life
Mu usual slim days after binging period
My skinniest days and the longest and hardest diets, eating just fruits for days
I always had to lose weight before holidays so I could enjoy them
Eating Freedom and a Slim Body. Natural Way Of Eating and Natural State of Being. Full Recovery!
Then I started to understand Natural Way of Eating and after 5 years, I found the solution! I was so happy! I started eating the natural way and it was – the best 2 weeks of my life! Yes, only 2 weeks! I could not stick with it.
I was devastated – I finally found THE solution, but I was not able to implement it. What a heartbreak!
I didn’t give up. I kept studying myself and everything on this topic. After another 5 years, I found the solution for transitioning from eating disorder to the Natural Way Of Eating and the year 2012 was the year of my recovery! I lost weight, I lost eating disorder for good, became slim for life and achieved complete eating freedom! It all happened very fast in just a few months.
It took me 10 years, since the night I received the message, to recover. But I always believed in it!
Now I am here to TEACH YOU how you can lose weight and eating disorder forever! Now it is YOUR turn!
I returned to 1. The Natural Way Of Eating.
It means I put my disordered eating in order! I no longer have an eating disorder, any level or degree of it. I can eat anything in the world and stay slim. I have complete eating freedom and slim body for life.
I got also back to 2. My Natural State of Being.
It means I lost the reason behind my eating disorder. The cause, the inner drive.
I no longer believe that I have no value and that I am not lovable. I no longer believe that I need to look a certain way to be accepted and approved. I no longer believe that I have to be pretty and skinny to be loved. I no longer operate from a belief that I am not valued and lovable. I no longer create tactics how to be lovable and valuable. I no longer believe that my value depends on having a relationship, sex, man, or being pretty a certain way.
I got back to My Natural State Of Being. I know I was always loved and valued by Universe/Life/God. I know my purpose is to be ME, looking like ME, having MY OWN BODY and my OWN type of beauty. I know I am beautiful inside and out. I know it is me who decide that I have value. I know that it is me who supposed to like, love and approve of myself. I know that my prettiness does not depend on other people’s rating, evaluation, and approval or taste. I know I am gorgeous enough for myself.
I know I am loved, always was and always will be, abundantly. And all of us are. I know we don’t have to chase things that we already are and have. I know that belief that we are not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, lovable enough are lies and self-imposed beliefs that we accepted or adopted from other people.
I know that it is easy to get back to 1.The Natural Way Of Eating and 2. Our Natural State of Being.
These are the 2 steps that will give you a full recovery from an eating disorder.
I wrote all this in my book “Lose Weight AND Your Eating Disorder Forever!” that is already available!
It is YOUR turn now!
Eating Freedom and a Slim Body. Natural Way Of Eating and Natural State of Being. Full Recovery!
Eating Freedom and a Slim Body. The Natural Way Of Eating and Natural State of Being. Full Recovery!
10 SUPERPOWERS and 10 super weaknesses
that eating disorder experience gave you
(The Advantages of Disadvantages of Eating Disorder experience)
There are also great advantages of having an eating disorder, not just disadvantages.
Eating disorder gave you also SUPERPOWERS, not just super weaknesses.
Get the book to claim and celebrate your SUPERPOWERS and advantages.